You're gonna be a tough act to follow....
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”
Describe you husband in 500 words or less...?
affectionate, allegiant, ardent, attached, circumspect, confiding, conscientious, constant, dependable, devoted, dutiful, dyed-in-the-wool, enduring, fast, firm, genuine, hard-core, honest, honorable, incorruptible, loving, obedient, on the level, patriotic, resolute, scrupulous, sincere, staunch, steadfast, steady, straight, string along with, sure, tried, tried and true, true, true-blue, trustworthy, trusty, truthful, unchanging, unswerving, unwavering, upright, veracious, authentic, careful, close, concrete, correct, defined, definite, deft, detailed, discriminating, discriminative, distinct, exact, explicit, factual, faithful, genuine, judicious, just, literal, matter-of-fact, methodical, meticulous, on the button, on the money, on the nose, particular, proper, punctilious, punctual, regular, right, rigorous, scientific, scrupulous, sharp, skillful, solid, specific, strict, systematic, true, ultraprecise, unerring, unmistakable, faithful, resolute, forthright, frank, honest, open, overt, right on, square, straight, straight from the shoulder, straightforward, truthful, up front, believable, candid, correct, exact, factual, faithful, forthright, frank, guileless, ingenuous, just, legit, like it is, literal, on the level, on the up and up, open, outspoken, plainspoken, precise, real, realistic, reliable, righteous, scrupulous, sincere, square, straight, straightforward, true, true-blue, trustworthy, truth-telling, unfeigned, unreservedadventurous,audacious, aweless, bold, brassy, brave, cheeky, chivalrous, confident, courageous, daredevil, daring, dauntless, enterprising, fearless, forward,fearless, firm, gallant, game, gritty, gutsy, hardy, heroic, indomitable, intrepid, lionhearted, nervy, plucky, resolute, spirited, spunky, stalwart, stouthearted, strong, unabashed, unblenching, undauntable, unafraid, uncurbed, undaunted, undismayed, unfearful, valiant, valorous, venturesome,admire, adulate, be attached to, be captivated by, be crazy about, be enamored of, be enchanted by, be fascinated with, be fond of, be in love with, canonize, care for, cherish, choose, deify, delight in, dote on, esteem, exalt, fall for, go for, gone on, have affection for, have it bad, hold dear, hold high, idolize, long for, lose one's heart to, prefer, prize, put on pedestal, think the world of, thrive with, treasure, venerate, wild for, worship,affectionate, all heart, altruistic, amiable, amicable, beneficent, benevolent, benign, big, bounteous, charitable, clement, compassionate, congenial, considerate, cordial, courteous, eleemosynary, friendly, gentle, good-hearted, gracious, heart in the right place, humane, humanitarian, indulgent, kindhearted, kindly, lenient, loving, mild, neighborly, obliging, philanthropic, propitious, soft touch, softhearted, sympathetic, tenderhearted, thoughtful, tolerant, understanding,cooperative, generous, handy, helpful, hospitable, kind, neighborly, obliging, on deck, on tap, polite, unselfish, humble, reticent, retiring, shy, affable, amicable, attractive, benign, breezy, buddy-buddy, caring,charming, cheerful, cool, copacetic, cordial, cozy, dear, devoted, doting, easy, engaging, fond, friendly, genial, good-humored, good-natured, gracious, kind, kindly, lovable, mellow, mild, obliging, pleasant, pleasing, princely, Big old pussycat, responsive, right, righteous, sociable, sweet-tempered, swell*, tight*, warm, warmhearted, winning, kind, lovey-dovey, loving, mushy, nutty about, partial, soft on, sympathetic, tender, warm, warmhearted,admiring, affectionate,amiable, amorous, anxious, appreciative, ardent, attached, attentive, benevolent, concerned, considerate, cordial, demonstrative, earnest, enamored, erotic, expressive, faithful, fervent, fond, friendly, generous, impassioned, infatuated, kind, liking, loyal, passionate, respecting, reverent, romantic, sentimental, solicitous, tender, thoughtful, valuing, warm, warm-hearted, worshipful, zealous,admirable, aristocratic, athletic, august, beautiful, becoming, clean-cut, comely, dapper, elegant, fair, fashionable, fine, good-looking, graceful, impressive, lovely, majestic, noble, personable, pulchritudinous, robust, sharp, smart, smooth, spruce, stately, strong, stylish, suave, virile, well-dressed, well-proportioned,adorable, agreeable, alluring, beautiful, beckoning, bewitching, captivating, charming, comely, enchanting, engaging, enthralling, enticing, fair, fascinating, fetching, glamorous, good-looking, gorgeous, handsome, hunky, interesting, inviting, looker, luring, magnetic, mesmeric, pleasant, pleasing, prepossessing, provocative, seductive, tantalizing, teasing, tempting, winning, winsome, admirable, alluring, angelic, appealing, beauteous, charming, classy, comely, cute, dazzling, delightful, divine, elegant, enticing, excellent, fascinating, fine, foxy, good-looking, gorgeous, graceful, grand, handsome, magnificent, marvelous, nice, pleasing, pretty, pulchritudinous, radiant, , resplendent, splendid, stunning, sublime, superb, well-formed, wonderful,amorous, ardent, desirous, erotic, hot, libidinous, loving, lustful, romantic, sexy, steamy, wistful,acute, cognizant, conscious, emotionable, emotional, feeling, fine, high-strung, keen, knowing, , perceiving, perceptive, precise, psychic, reactive, receptive, responsive, seeing, sensatory, sensile, sensorial, sensory, sentient, supersensitive, susceptible, tense, ticklish, tuned in, turned on to, understanding, astute, canny, clever, deeply perceptive, discerning, discriminating, incisive, ingenious, insightful, intense, intuitive, judicious, keen, observant, penetrating, perspicacious, piercing, quick-witted, sensitive, sharp, smart, subtle, able, active, athletic, big, capable, durable, enduring, energetic, firm, fixed, forceful, forcible, hale, hard as nails, hardy, hearty, in fine feather, muscular, reinforced, robust, rugged, secure, sinewy, solid, sound, stable, stalwart, stark, staunch, steady, stout, sturdy, substantial, tenacious, tough, unyielding, vigorous, well-built, well-founded, well-made, glorious, wonderful, arresting, august, chivalric, commanding, elegant, elevated, exalted, excellent, fine, glittering, gorgeous, grand, high-minded, imposing, impressive, lofty, magnanimous, magnific, majestic, noble, outstanding, proud, radiant, regal, resplendent, rich, royal, smashing, splendid, standout, stately, striking, sublime, sumptuous, superb, superior, superlative, towering, transcendent,aplomb, assurance, backbone, boldness, brashness, certainty, cool, courage, daring, dash, determination, elan, faith in oneself, fearlessness, fortitude, grit, hardihood, heart, intrepidity, mettle, morale, pluck, poise, presumption, reliance, resoluteness, resolution, self-possession, self-reliance, spirit, spunk, sureness, tenacityaggressiveness, audacity,bravery, certitude, conviction, coolness, effrontery, faith, firmness, impudence, nerve,, positiveness, security, self-confidence, surety, temerity, trust
You're gonna be a tough act to follow....
You're gonna be a tough act to follow....
Two Halves
Twisted and broken, like a branch in a storm.
Resisting everything to protect my wounded heart.
Scared, lonely, sad and empty.
No one to love me ever again, not believing in myself.
And then there was you.
When you came to me we became two halves made complete.
The World stopped and Love returned.
You brought me back to a life that could not have been sweeter.
Safe, loved, protected and whole.
That is what I felt with you.
The life that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
And you have burned so very, very brightly.
I heard something like that somewhere long ago.
How was I to know that it would be true?
But I think I always knew that you were just on loan to me.
And now I find myself again
Twisted and broken, like a branch in a storm.
Resisting everything to protect my wounded heart.
Scared, lonely, sad and empty.
No one to love me ever again, not believing in myself.
There is a caste system in India which places people in categories that affect their entire lives and how they are treated by people of different castes. Widowhood is like that. I feel like I am now one of the "untouchables", not a real person anymore, but a shadowy, strange figure I don't even recognize when I look in the mirror. All of the light and joy has gone out of my life and it shows in my face.
There is guilt, too. But not like you might think. I feel guilty that I can't find a way to think about the other members of my family. I have two wonderful sons who are married to great girls. I have two precious grandkids. My parents have been and continue to be wonderful. But I can't seem to connect to any of them. I don't want to hurt them but I don't think any one of them, except for maybe my mom, can understand the depth of this pain that I am feeling right now. Does this happen to everyone?
There is guilt, too. But not like you might think. I feel guilty that I can't find a way to think about the other members of my family. I have two wonderful sons who are married to great girls. I have two precious grandkids. My parents have been and continue to be wonderful. But I can't seem to connect to any of them. I don't want to hurt them but I don't think any one of them, except for maybe my mom, can understand the depth of this pain that I am feeling right now. Does this happen to everyone?
Did you come to me in my dreams last night? I can't remember but I awoke this morning with that feeling I used to get after we had one of "those" nights. Maybe it is just wishful thinking because I miss you so much or maybe you found a way to reach through space and time after all. If anybody could do it, it would be you.
True Love Story
I wrote this as my final Valentine's Day gift to Dave. The last paragraph was added after he died.
True Love Story (told as a fairytale)
Once upon a time, there was a little girl with big, beautiful blue eyes. She had a very big heart and was touched by things that other people seemed not to even notice. She sometimes dreamed that animals would come to her in the woods, that birds would fly to her and that rabbits would eat from her hand. Once she found a baby bird that had fallen from its nest. She tried to put it back but it was too hurt and it died in her hand and she cried for days.
The girl dreamed that the world should be a place of only love and happiness, where people and animals all lived together peacefully and nobody was ever mad or upset with anyone else. She told lots of people about her dreams but most everybody laughed at her or told here that she was wasting her time wishing for things that would never happen. Even though her parents loved her very, very much, they, too, discouraged her from thinking that such things were possible. This seemed very confusing and strange to her, but, since people she loved and trusted told her that her dreams were silly, she tried to stop thinking too much about them.
Because her parents, her teachers and her friends all wanted her to stop acting foolishly and be like everyone else, she settled into being the girl that everybody seemed to expect her to be. But the more she tried to be good, the more it seemed she struggled. All around were people who wanted to push her this way and that way and to make her believe in things that she had never even thought about before. Sometimes it made her angry and sometimes it made her scared, but mostly it just made her sad.
As the girl grew up, she began to forget about many of the things that she had dreamed of when she was a little girl. Still, sometimes she would have wonderful dreams about the birds and animals and she would awaken with her heart full of love but it never seemed to last very long.
She grew older, and as is the way with such things, the girl became a woman. She married a man that she loved very much and for a while they were very happy. Then one day she came home to tell him the most wondrous news, that she was going to have a baby. She was filled with such a glowing inner light that she was almost ready to burst at the seams. But when she told the husband the wonderful news, he glowered at her and said that she had tricked him and he stormed out of the house. It was the first time she had seen him so angry and it hurt her so much that she cried and cried. When her husband came home, he was distant and cold and something had changed in him. He stopped telling her that he loved her and her heart was broken into a million pieces.
For many years, the woman and the husband continued to live together but their love was never again like it had been in the beginning. For years, he felt guilty about breaking her heart and he tried to make it up to her but she could tell that there was always something inside of him that he held back and didn't share with her. This made her feel very bad and she was very, very unhappy. She tried many times to talk to him about what was wrong but their conversations always turned into bitter arguments, with accusations and hurtful things being said and so she stopped even trying.
Then, one day the woman came home and the husband was gone. He had moved away and left her alone with their children. He simply left her a note that said he was sorry but he had to find the life that he wanted to live and he wished her well and hoped that she and the children would be okay. She loved her children very much and she knew she had to be strong for them but still something inside of her just broke. She thought back to when she was a little girl and how she had wanted the world to be filled with love. What a joke! All love had ever gotten her was a broken heart and many, many tears. Everybody had been right. And so, she made a wall around the hole in her heart to keep the hurting inside. She didn't realize that it also kept love from getting in.
After the husband left, the woman threw herself into her work and her children. Everything that she did was for them. She knew that she was doing the right thing and she was proud of the fact that everyone praised her for her selflessness and dedication. Yet even though on the outside it appeared that things were very good, that place in her heart was cold and numb. She could still feel the ache of it all the time. She tried to fill the empty place with other things, things she had to buy. Only the more things that she acquired, the more alone she felt.
Early one morning, the woman was standing in her bedroom, admiring a new outfit in the mirror. As she stared at her reflection, it all began to blur and suddenly, before her eyes, the little girl she had been once was staring back at her. The little girl's big blue eyes were no longer beautiful, because they were filled with so much pain and sadness. Then, in an instant, the vision disappeared and she was again looking at her own reflection. When she looked at it this time, she saw something completely different and she knew what she had to do to set her life right again.
Almost immediately after seeing this vision, she made a plan. She talked to both of her sons and it was decided that she and the younger one would take a long trip. The older son had his own life and was happy, so she knew that he would be fine while she was away. Her family and friends didn't understand why she was going away and she gave them no reason. She just said good bye to them all.
She and the younger son traveled long, long way, across the country and they saw many wonderful things together. It was the first time in many years that she felt truly free and happy. As they traveled, they shared many hours of conversation and companionship. Even though she had been a good mother to the boy, she had never really spent time like this with him and it was glorious! Their trip eventually took them to a very wild and beautiful place. She was overcome by power of the place and, on that lonely beach, with the ocean relentlessly crashing on the shore, the wall around her heart shuddered and she felt something give a little in its foundation.
In this beautiful place, she met an even more beautiful man who had the same blue eyes as she. From the moment they met, when she looked into those eyes, she could see into both of their souls at once. He had come to the wild place with a heart full of his own secrets. But he was a magic man, who could ride the wild waves or go flying over them. He showed some of his power to the woman but he never told her his secrets.
The woman would sit on the beach and watch the man and her son together and she knew peace for the first time in a long, long time. After a while, she became friends with the man and they spent long hours talking about things that she hadn't talked about in a very long time. It made her feel good to know that there was someone else who believed the same things that she believed in and who didn't think she was foolish. Then one day, as he told her of his own broken love, she truly understood how he felt and she knew that she loved him. Deep inside of her, that cold, numb place in her heart was filling with warmth and the wall was becoming weaker and weaker.
The man and the woman became lovers and for the first time in her life, she felt what it was like to love a man without reserve. Even though she had once loved the husband, there had always been something between them that kept her from feeling completely free in her love. With the man, it was different, perfect. Everything they did felt like pure joy! From an accidental brush of the fingertips to a lingering gaze, a tremor of love would course through her that was unlike anything she had ever experienced. Their connection was so deep that she began to feel like she was part of him and that he was part of her, that their souls were linked in some unexplainable way. She knew that the man was special because he would show her a little bit more of his magic every day and eventually, she began to have magic of her own again. In time, her dreams came back to her.
For many years, the man and the woman lived together, first as lovers and then as husband and wife. There was something else unique about the man, besides his magic. He always told the truth, even if the telling of it was not always so kind. She loved him for his intelligence, his honesty, his gentleness and his strong heart. She always felt safe with him and most importantly, really and truly loved. She tried hard to be a good person because knowing that if someone as special as the man loved her, then she needed to be the person who deserved that love. It was hard for her sometimes, because she did not possess the same kind of magic as the man and sometimes she would fail. He laughed at her trials and at her frustrations, but never in the way of malice or derision, so that she knew that even in her weakness and failure, he loved her still. Her heart was so filled with his love that the last of the wall crumbled into dust and she felt its weight no more.
One day the man became very ill and the woman was beside herself with grief. She screamed and cried that God could not be so unfair as to take this good and gentle man away from her. But her cries to Heaven did no good. She had to put away her selfishness for she wished only to make the man happy. But she didn't know how to go about doing it. Everyday, she tried to think of ways to bring some joy into his life, but failed at every attempt and she grew weary with the trying.
The man, too, was very sad much of the time and his pain began to take a toll on him. His face became pale and gaunt, but no matter how much he suffered, his clear blue eyes always shone bright with his love and the woman took heart in the fact that the man loved her so. She could not take away his pain but she could give him all the love in her heart, boundless and complete. The wonder of her love did make the man happy for he loved her likewise and they spent many hours in simple contemplation of that love.
For a long time, the man was sick and no matter what anyone tried to do, he began to fade away. Even with all the magic he possessed, he could not stop the disease. One day, when he knew that his time was growing short, he called the woman to his side and told her once more how he loved her, how they were one and the same. He told her how they would be together always, if not in this earthly realm, then in the next one. They both truly believed that they were destined to be together through eternity, linked forever and ever and she took comfort in that.
His love had made her whole and complete and she was afraid she would be lost without him. She cried and cried when he finally left her but that place in her heart, the one that he had healed with his love, was bursting with warmth and light, like a tiny sun inside of her. Her grief overwhelmed her at first and the pain was greater than she had imagined it might be. After a time, she came to realize that all of his magic was now inside of her, his light shining through her, for all the world to see. She was again filled with his love and grace and she vowed to live happily ever after, until they would be together once again.
True Love Story (told as a fairytale)
Once upon a time, there was a little girl with big, beautiful blue eyes. She had a very big heart and was touched by things that other people seemed not to even notice. She sometimes dreamed that animals would come to her in the woods, that birds would fly to her and that rabbits would eat from her hand. Once she found a baby bird that had fallen from its nest. She tried to put it back but it was too hurt and it died in her hand and she cried for days.
The girl dreamed that the world should be a place of only love and happiness, where people and animals all lived together peacefully and nobody was ever mad or upset with anyone else. She told lots of people about her dreams but most everybody laughed at her or told here that she was wasting her time wishing for things that would never happen. Even though her parents loved her very, very much, they, too, discouraged her from thinking that such things were possible. This seemed very confusing and strange to her, but, since people she loved and trusted told her that her dreams were silly, she tried to stop thinking too much about them.
Because her parents, her teachers and her friends all wanted her to stop acting foolishly and be like everyone else, she settled into being the girl that everybody seemed to expect her to be. But the more she tried to be good, the more it seemed she struggled. All around were people who wanted to push her this way and that way and to make her believe in things that she had never even thought about before. Sometimes it made her angry and sometimes it made her scared, but mostly it just made her sad.
As the girl grew up, she began to forget about many of the things that she had dreamed of when she was a little girl. Still, sometimes she would have wonderful dreams about the birds and animals and she would awaken with her heart full of love but it never seemed to last very long.
She grew older, and as is the way with such things, the girl became a woman. She married a man that she loved very much and for a while they were very happy. Then one day she came home to tell him the most wondrous news, that she was going to have a baby. She was filled with such a glowing inner light that she was almost ready to burst at the seams. But when she told the husband the wonderful news, he glowered at her and said that she had tricked him and he stormed out of the house. It was the first time she had seen him so angry and it hurt her so much that she cried and cried. When her husband came home, he was distant and cold and something had changed in him. He stopped telling her that he loved her and her heart was broken into a million pieces.
For many years, the woman and the husband continued to live together but their love was never again like it had been in the beginning. For years, he felt guilty about breaking her heart and he tried to make it up to her but she could tell that there was always something inside of him that he held back and didn't share with her. This made her feel very bad and she was very, very unhappy. She tried many times to talk to him about what was wrong but their conversations always turned into bitter arguments, with accusations and hurtful things being said and so she stopped even trying.
Then, one day the woman came home and the husband was gone. He had moved away and left her alone with their children. He simply left her a note that said he was sorry but he had to find the life that he wanted to live and he wished her well and hoped that she and the children would be okay. She loved her children very much and she knew she had to be strong for them but still something inside of her just broke. She thought back to when she was a little girl and how she had wanted the world to be filled with love. What a joke! All love had ever gotten her was a broken heart and many, many tears. Everybody had been right. And so, she made a wall around the hole in her heart to keep the hurting inside. She didn't realize that it also kept love from getting in.
After the husband left, the woman threw herself into her work and her children. Everything that she did was for them. She knew that she was doing the right thing and she was proud of the fact that everyone praised her for her selflessness and dedication. Yet even though on the outside it appeared that things were very good, that place in her heart was cold and numb. She could still feel the ache of it all the time. She tried to fill the empty place with other things, things she had to buy. Only the more things that she acquired, the more alone she felt.
Early one morning, the woman was standing in her bedroom, admiring a new outfit in the mirror. As she stared at her reflection, it all began to blur and suddenly, before her eyes, the little girl she had been once was staring back at her. The little girl's big blue eyes were no longer beautiful, because they were filled with so much pain and sadness. Then, in an instant, the vision disappeared and she was again looking at her own reflection. When she looked at it this time, she saw something completely different and she knew what she had to do to set her life right again.
Almost immediately after seeing this vision, she made a plan. She talked to both of her sons and it was decided that she and the younger one would take a long trip. The older son had his own life and was happy, so she knew that he would be fine while she was away. Her family and friends didn't understand why she was going away and she gave them no reason. She just said good bye to them all.
She and the younger son traveled long, long way, across the country and they saw many wonderful things together. It was the first time in many years that she felt truly free and happy. As they traveled, they shared many hours of conversation and companionship. Even though she had been a good mother to the boy, she had never really spent time like this with him and it was glorious! Their trip eventually took them to a very wild and beautiful place. She was overcome by power of the place and, on that lonely beach, with the ocean relentlessly crashing on the shore, the wall around her heart shuddered and she felt something give a little in its foundation.
In this beautiful place, she met an even more beautiful man who had the same blue eyes as she. From the moment they met, when she looked into those eyes, she could see into both of their souls at once. He had come to the wild place with a heart full of his own secrets. But he was a magic man, who could ride the wild waves or go flying over them. He showed some of his power to the woman but he never told her his secrets.
The woman would sit on the beach and watch the man and her son together and she knew peace for the first time in a long, long time. After a while, she became friends with the man and they spent long hours talking about things that she hadn't talked about in a very long time. It made her feel good to know that there was someone else who believed the same things that she believed in and who didn't think she was foolish. Then one day, as he told her of his own broken love, she truly understood how he felt and she knew that she loved him. Deep inside of her, that cold, numb place in her heart was filling with warmth and the wall was becoming weaker and weaker.
The man and the woman became lovers and for the first time in her life, she felt what it was like to love a man without reserve. Even though she had once loved the husband, there had always been something between them that kept her from feeling completely free in her love. With the man, it was different, perfect. Everything they did felt like pure joy! From an accidental brush of the fingertips to a lingering gaze, a tremor of love would course through her that was unlike anything she had ever experienced. Their connection was so deep that she began to feel like she was part of him and that he was part of her, that their souls were linked in some unexplainable way. She knew that the man was special because he would show her a little bit more of his magic every day and eventually, she began to have magic of her own again. In time, her dreams came back to her.
For many years, the man and the woman lived together, first as lovers and then as husband and wife. There was something else unique about the man, besides his magic. He always told the truth, even if the telling of it was not always so kind. She loved him for his intelligence, his honesty, his gentleness and his strong heart. She always felt safe with him and most importantly, really and truly loved. She tried hard to be a good person because knowing that if someone as special as the man loved her, then she needed to be the person who deserved that love. It was hard for her sometimes, because she did not possess the same kind of magic as the man and sometimes she would fail. He laughed at her trials and at her frustrations, but never in the way of malice or derision, so that she knew that even in her weakness and failure, he loved her still. Her heart was so filled with his love that the last of the wall crumbled into dust and she felt its weight no more.
One day the man became very ill and the woman was beside herself with grief. She screamed and cried that God could not be so unfair as to take this good and gentle man away from her. But her cries to Heaven did no good. She had to put away her selfishness for she wished only to make the man happy. But she didn't know how to go about doing it. Everyday, she tried to think of ways to bring some joy into his life, but failed at every attempt and she grew weary with the trying.
The man, too, was very sad much of the time and his pain began to take a toll on him. His face became pale and gaunt, but no matter how much he suffered, his clear blue eyes always shone bright with his love and the woman took heart in the fact that the man loved her so. She could not take away his pain but she could give him all the love in her heart, boundless and complete. The wonder of her love did make the man happy for he loved her likewise and they spent many hours in simple contemplation of that love.
For a long time, the man was sick and no matter what anyone tried to do, he began to fade away. Even with all the magic he possessed, he could not stop the disease. One day, when he knew that his time was growing short, he called the woman to his side and told her once more how he loved her, how they were one and the same. He told her how they would be together always, if not in this earthly realm, then in the next one. They both truly believed that they were destined to be together through eternity, linked forever and ever and she took comfort in that.
His love had made her whole and complete and she was afraid she would be lost without him. She cried and cried when he finally left her but that place in her heart, the one that he had healed with his love, was bursting with warmth and light, like a tiny sun inside of her. Her grief overwhelmed her at first and the pain was greater than she had imagined it might be. After a time, she came to realize that all of his magic was now inside of her, his light shining through her, for all the world to see. She was again filled with his love and grace and she vowed to live happily ever after, until they would be together once again.
This is my own true love story, dedicated to my sweet husband.
I am still waiting on the happily ever after....
I am still waiting on the happily ever after....
David William Ballard,
December 15, 1959 - March 24, 2010
Love you, Magic Man, See you on the other side.
I am alone now. That is the true fact of the matter and there isn't one damned thing that I can do about. I can cry and scream to heaven to bring you back to me but that would change nothing.
I sink to the darkest depth of despair one minute and the next, I am grinning like a cat over some shared experience that I have just recalled. This thing called grief is a force of nature that is pulling me into a reality that I don't think I want to be part of, and yet at the same time, the intensity of my feelings about all this is as it should be. For two people to have been as passionate about each other as you and I were, why would I expect less? How could my grief not be as all consuming and intense as my life with you has been? And so I take in the grieving, like a deep breath, into my very soul and then release it back into the Universe and sometimes I feel whole again, just for a second.
I want to tell the world about you, about how special you are/were but I can only sit and stare because I can't find words with enough import and energy to tell your story. I will find my voice eventually and I will shout to the world everything I can remember and everything that I know to be true about you. I need to do this for you, my love. And for me. I need to remember...
Originally posted 4/18/2010
Originally posted 4/18/2010
The Watch
I got your watch out of your drawer the other day and put it on my arm. You used to wear it everyday and I thought it might help me feel that you were close.
But, the band was too big and it was uncomfortable, so I took it off and of course, I misplaced it somewhere here in the house. I am so distracted lately that I can't seem to remember where anything is or where I leave things.
For some reason, you had set the alarm on the watch and now, twice a day, I can hear it somewhere in the house, faintly and urgently beep, beeping for some unknown appointment you can no longer keep.
I was right. Now when I hear the sound of that watch, I think of you and I do feel that you are close. I still can't find the watch but I have no intention of looking for it. I am starting to look forward to hearing it because it reminds me of you.
But, the band was too big and it was uncomfortable, so I took it off and of course, I misplaced it somewhere here in the house. I am so distracted lately that I can't seem to remember where anything is or where I leave things.
For some reason, you had set the alarm on the watch and now, twice a day, I can hear it somewhere in the house, faintly and urgently beep, beeping for some unknown appointment you can no longer keep.
I was right. Now when I hear the sound of that watch, I think of you and I do feel that you are close. I still can't find the watch but I have no intention of looking for it. I am starting to look forward to hearing it because it reminds me of you.
Choices
Original poem by Suzanne Ballard, copyright 2010
When I had you, I had choices.
I could choose to wake up every morning and spend another day with you.
I could choose what I wanted to make you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, always something I thought you'd like.
I could choose to come up behind you, put my arms around you and feel the warmth of you.
I could choose to hold your hand or put my hands on you in those secret places I loved so much.
I could choose to wear my hair that way you suggested or
I could choose to use the shampoo that made it smell like fresh mint and chocolate, because you liked it.
I could choose to use the shampoo that made it smell like fresh mint and chocolate, because you liked it.
I could choose to lie beside you in our bed at night and feel your steady breathing or lay my head on your chest and hear your strong heart beating beneath your skin.
I could choose to be with you for the rest of my life - happy, content, sheltered and loved so very much.
But now, I have no choice but to sit in this house, looking at four walls and wondering what to do next.
Now I have no choice, but to walk through the kitchen, aimlessly wondering if I am even hungry.
Now I have no choice but to ache to have my arms around you and yours around me.
Now I have no choice but to pour that shampoo down the sink because I can no longer stand the smell of it.
Now I have no choice by to wake up alone in our bed, missing the weight of you next to me and
wonder how I will ever make it without you here.
wonder how I will ever make it without you here.
Now I have no choice but to be alone.
When I had you, I had choices...
Original poem by Suzanne Ballard, copyright 2010
The reason for this blog...
Friday, April 9, 2010:
I am mourning the death of my husband, Dave, who died just a little over two weeks ago after cancer took him away from me. Some days I find that I can handle it okay and other days I feel like I am going to die myself. I read some stuff about grief recently and keeping a journal was one of the ways that was suggested to deal with the emotions that come at these times.
I think that it might help because I have already begun to write things about my life with Dave and have been sharing them with others. That helps me a lot because I don't want ANY of my memories of him to fade even a shade. And so I have begun this blog for the purpose of chronicling those memories. In 20 years, I want to look back and still see his beautiful, handsome face as clearly as I do today, not gaunt and ravaged by the cancer, but vibrant and so full of love and life that he made my heart sing every time I looked at him. He was an extraordinary man and I was blessed beyond words to have been loved by him and to have spent 16 years with him. My only regret about our life together - the only regret - is that I didn't find him sooner in my life, that way I could have had some more time with him.
Today I am not having a very good day. Yesterday, I was shopping at the market with my mom and suddenly it hit me that I don't have anybody to cook for now. Nobody to be the tester (or maybe victim would be a better choice of titles) for my kitchen experiments anymore. We have been organic farmers for the last 10 years and so food has been a tremendous part of our life (when you sell veggies to people, you have to be able to tell them what to do with them...) and now there is nobody to share that with me.
I am finding that my grief comes at me from the most unexpected things. Dirty socks in the hamper, a favorite shirt, a song on the radio. I feel paralyzed sometimes because I am afraid of what might trigger a meltdown and so I just sit in a chair, hugging my knees to my chest and cry. Why is this happening to me, why did Dave have to be the one to die so young, why did he leave me all alone? Questions, questions, questions and not an answer in sight. Maybe writing my feelings down here will give me answers or at least let me understand a bit.
Dave and I believed strongly in the natural order of things. What could be more natural than to have completed the circle of life? As soon as we are born, we are on the path to our death...it is inevitable and it comes to us all. Dave understood that circle far better than I and he was not afraid of his passing. When he was close to the end of his life and he knew it, he spent an entire day talking to me about how much he loved me, that he had never loved anyone or anything as much as he loved me and I told him the same things. It was incredibly beautiful and it broke my heart because I knew that he was telling me those things because he knew he wouldn't be able to in a short while. I am very grateful for that day and that we was able to say all those things to each other one last time.
I am mourning the death of my husband, Dave, who died just a little over two weeks ago after cancer took him away from me. Some days I find that I can handle it okay and other days I feel like I am going to die myself. I read some stuff about grief recently and keeping a journal was one of the ways that was suggested to deal with the emotions that come at these times.
I think that it might help because I have already begun to write things about my life with Dave and have been sharing them with others. That helps me a lot because I don't want ANY of my memories of him to fade even a shade. And so I have begun this blog for the purpose of chronicling those memories. In 20 years, I want to look back and still see his beautiful, handsome face as clearly as I do today, not gaunt and ravaged by the cancer, but vibrant and so full of love and life that he made my heart sing every time I looked at him. He was an extraordinary man and I was blessed beyond words to have been loved by him and to have spent 16 years with him. My only regret about our life together - the only regret - is that I didn't find him sooner in my life, that way I could have had some more time with him.
Today I am not having a very good day. Yesterday, I was shopping at the market with my mom and suddenly it hit me that I don't have anybody to cook for now. Nobody to be the tester (or maybe victim would be a better choice of titles) for my kitchen experiments anymore. We have been organic farmers for the last 10 years and so food has been a tremendous part of our life (when you sell veggies to people, you have to be able to tell them what to do with them...) and now there is nobody to share that with me.
I am finding that my grief comes at me from the most unexpected things. Dirty socks in the hamper, a favorite shirt, a song on the radio. I feel paralyzed sometimes because I am afraid of what might trigger a meltdown and so I just sit in a chair, hugging my knees to my chest and cry. Why is this happening to me, why did Dave have to be the one to die so young, why did he leave me all alone? Questions, questions, questions and not an answer in sight. Maybe writing my feelings down here will give me answers or at least let me understand a bit.
Dave and I believed strongly in the natural order of things. What could be more natural than to have completed the circle of life? As soon as we are born, we are on the path to our death...it is inevitable and it comes to us all. Dave understood that circle far better than I and he was not afraid of his passing. When he was close to the end of his life and he knew it, he spent an entire day talking to me about how much he loved me, that he had never loved anyone or anything as much as he loved me and I told him the same things. It was incredibly beautiful and it broke my heart because I knew that he was telling me those things because he knew he wouldn't be able to in a short while. I am very grateful for that day and that we was able to say all those things to each other one last time.
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