I am recent widow whose husband succumbed to renal cancer. Originally diagnosed in 2005, when he was 44, he had his kidney out and was pronounced cancer free until Oct. 2008. Compression fracture of L2 vertebrae at that time required extensive surgery that left him with a 12 inch rod in his spine, numerous screws, pins and other hardware and more pain that he should have had to bear. Only had tiny tumors in lungs and one in liver that I never was able to see on the scans, but our oncologist assured us that it was there. Tried several protocols but no results.

 Unfortunately, during those last 10-12 months, he started having bone mets show up everywhere....hips, ribs, more in the spine, clavicle, right femur....it became rampant. We did Sutent, Afinitor, radiation, etc. for a while but then he said enough was enough. While he was in tremendous pain, he was still his wonderful self until right before Valentine's Day this year when he had an outbreak of shingles. He said that the pain from that was worse that the cancer and it was a horror to watch him suffer like he did. At one point he was on so many medications that he had to be hospitalized to get them regulated....from fourteen down to just two in the end.

I don't know too many people who could have endured what he did. He NEVER complained about how he felt. He always tried to be positive and I know it was mostly for me. He knew that he wasn't going to get better and we tried to spend every moment together; we are self employed and I pretty much took the last 10 months off.  I am so grateful for making that decision and for having that time together. Unfortunately, it has pretty much left me broke, but who cares. I'd sleep in my car for the rest of my life to have spend those last months with Dave.

I was very worried for a while that I wouldn't have the patience or skill to care for him like he needed me to but in the end, it was all about love and I found a well of strength inside of me that I didn't know I possessed. He died on March 24th and I miss him so very, very much. While I am thankful that he isn't suffering any longer, I just wish he was still here with me and that makes me feel awfully selfish sometimes.

Now the strangest things bring me to tears. I can't listen to the radio anymore, every song reminds me of him (he loved music and played guitar), the movies we wanted to see but never got to, television shows we watched together (I always did hate reruns). Our favorite food was anything Mexican but now it makes my stomach hurt just to think about eating it without him to share. I can't sleep at night (see what time i am up typing this...2 a.m.) but I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. How can I ever live in this world again with Dave not in it? I am not even sure that I want to try...this is all just too hard. I think about living another 30-40 years without him and I am struck dumb by the thought. Does this really ever get any easier?