Beautiful hands, beautiful man.

Wild Hearts

They say wild hearts can't be broken
You were my wild heart, trying to lasso the moon.
Would you give it to me if I asked?
Did you know all of my secrets, for it seems you did?
My darkest places and my shining light.
Things no one else saw, things I tried to hide.
I stood with my soul bare before you, shaking and afraid.
But you loved me anyway and everything was sweet.
And I knew those places in you, too,  and loved you for every
flaw, every perfect moment, everything you were, had
been and would ever be.
Two wild hearts, one still beating, the other still.
Who will love me now?



Original poem by Suzanne Ballard, copyright 2010

The First

He pressed his lips to mine in a soft kiss and just waited.  I could feel his heart beating beneath
his shirt, under his skin. He turned his face to the side and rested his scruffy cheek on mine. We sat there for ever so long, both of us taking in the warm glow of the other.  Finally, he reached out his hand to smooth my hair and he let it rest on the back of my neck, a gentle but affirmative action, claiming the moment for us both. I thought I heard him sigh but my heart was racing so fast, I could hardly catch my breath and yet I was suspended in that moment in time, frozen between heartbeats, watching my life go by in glimpses of what had been, coupled with flashes of what was yet to be. "I love you", he said. "I love you, too."
Dear Dave,

You have been gone just a little over 2 months and it seems like it has been 2 lifetimes. You used to say that "Time is a man-made thing"and that you refused to be bound by any man-made thing. Maybe that is one of the reasons you didn't fear death the way some people do. Oh, I know you didn't want to go yet and that you didn't want to leave me alone but I understand how much you believed that this life was only a transitory stop for a soul on its journey to the Final Destination. You believed and so I believed. I know that energy can't be destroyed and we are all made of energy so you still exist somewhere in the Universe. I just wish I had a better idea of where you are but it is not for me to understand, it is for me to believe. I still believe with all my heart.

But believing in something is not always the comfort one might like for it to be and I am having a real struggle here without you to guide me. You were my teacher, you know, and I learned so very much from you. I learned patience. I learned that you can put someone entirely before yourself and not feel diminished in any way. I learned about the real power of love and what it can do for a person. I learned that I am capable of so many things and most of all, I learned not to be afraid. Not to be afraid of trying, even though I might fail. Not to be afraid of allowing myself to love you to the very depths of my soul, even though that carried a price had to be paid. That is how I see your death, you know, and it is what this grief means to me. It is the price I paid for having someone like you in my life.  Once I told the Universe that if I only got to have 5 years with you, it would be enough for my lifetime because it was so good being with you.  I got 3 lifetimes and a bonus.

What I didn't figure out yet is how to deal with all of this but recently I have read a lot about soul twins and soul mates. You had an awful lot of books on spirituality and other existential beliefs and I have gone back to read some of the ones that we read most often. I am finding new lessons in what I read and some of them bring comfort. Some of them only make me long to see you again. I think that some days I am feeling a little steadier but then something happens that rocks my world and I fall off the edge a little bit. The study is helping some, though, and so I thank you for helping me to understand these concepts better. I guess that in all that deep conversation and study we shared over the years, we learned much about death since it is the ultimate conclusion to life. Completing the Circle.

I wish you were here. I miss you.
Love,
S.



(Originally written in May, 2010)
My membership in the club of widows and widowers is now 62 days old. I wish that it were an honorary membership, but I am a card carrying, full fledged member of this society of the lost, the grieving, the lonely and the defeated.

(Originally written in May,2010)
My life sucks at the moment.