You have been gone just a little over 2 months and it seems like it has been 2 lifetimes. You used to say that "Time is a man-made thing"and that you refused to be bound by any man-made thing. Maybe that is one of the reasons you didn't fear death the way some people do. Oh, I know you didn't want to go yet and that you didn't want to leave me alone but I understand how much you believed that this life was only a transitory stop for a soul on its journey to the Final Destination. You believed and so I believed. I know that energy can't be destroyed and we are all made of energy so you still exist somewhere in the Universe. I just wish I had a better idea of where you are but it is not for me to understand, it is for me to believe. I still believe with all my heart.
But believing in something is not always the comfort one might like for it to be and I am having a real struggle here without you to guide me. You were my teacher, you know, and I learned so very much from you. I learned patience. I learned that you can put someone entirely before yourself and not feel diminished in any way. I learned about the real power of love and what it can do for a person. I learned that I am capable of so many things and most of all, I learned not to be afraid. Not to be afraid of trying, even though I might fail. Not to be afraid of allowing myself to love you to the very depths of my soul, even though that carried a price had to be paid. That is how I see your death, you know, and it is what this grief means to me. It is the price I paid for having someone like you in my life. Once I told the Universe that if I only got to have 5 years with you, it would be enough for my lifetime because it was so good being with you. I got 3 lifetimes and a bonus.
What I didn't figure out yet is how to deal with all of this but recently I have read a lot about soul twins and soul mates. You had an awful lot of books on spirituality and other existential beliefs and I have gone back to read some of the ones that we read most often. I am finding new lessons in what I read and some of them bring comfort. Some of them only make me long to see you again. I think that some days I am feeling a little steadier but then something happens that rocks my world and I fall off the edge a little bit. The study is helping some, though, and so I thank you for helping me to understand these concepts better. I guess that in all that deep conversation and study we shared over the years, we learned much about death since it is the ultimate conclusion to life. Completing the Circle.
I wish you were here. I miss you.
Love,
S.
(Originally written in May, 2010)
I wish you were here. I miss you.
Love,
S.
(Originally written in May, 2010)
