The following is pretty much what happened to me the first couple of months after my sweet Dave died. This story is extremely negative and in some way I am ashamed that I am not able to put aside my hurt and anger over all of this but I simply cannot at this point. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me or to even sympathize. My struggle to understand moves me to write this down, like somehow if I put it into words on a page, I can start to make some sense of it all.
I wish I didn't feel so strongly the need to put this into words, but the truth is that I cannot begin down any path toward healing myself until I purge this from my soul. It is eating away at me and as hard as I have tried, I have not been able to move on from how I feel over what has happened to me since Dave died. After this post, I have sworn to myself that I will never again post anything else on this subject but I am somehow compelled to write this one.
When my husband died in March 2010, I moved to back my hometown, to be closer to my parents and frankly, because I wasn't given any choice in the matter. Family dynamics change when someone dies and this time was no exception. I have never been particularly close to Dave's family. The reasons don't really matter any more but they had a profound impact on my life after Dave died. I am trying to make the best of a bad situation but I think it bears an explanation to anyone who is reading this blog so that one can get a feel for what I am up against and why some times my posts sound so bitter and angry. It is not a matter of me being unable to deal with this grief. There is so much more to this story.
I wish I didn't feel so strongly the need to put this into words, but the truth is that I cannot begin down any path toward healing myself until I purge this from my soul. It is eating away at me and as hard as I have tried, I have not been able to move on from how I feel over what has happened to me since Dave died. After this post, I have sworn to myself that I will never again post anything else on this subject but I am somehow compelled to write this one.
When my husband died in March 2010, I moved to back my hometown, to be closer to my parents and frankly, because I wasn't given any choice in the matter. Family dynamics change when someone dies and this time was no exception. I have never been particularly close to Dave's family. The reasons don't really matter any more but they had a profound impact on my life after Dave died. I am trying to make the best of a bad situation but I think it bears an explanation to anyone who is reading this blog so that one can get a feel for what I am up against and why some times my posts sound so bitter and angry. It is not a matter of me being unable to deal with this grief. There is so much more to this story.
Losing Dave was the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life up until now. It has forever changed me. The death of the one you are closest to always affects the one left behind in ways you can't even imagine until it happens to you. I feel like losing Dave set me on the road to oblivion and I am struggling with finding a way back to a place where everything is not so black.
Near the end of March, 2010, only six days after Dave's passing, his mother announced to me that she was planning on renting Dave's beloved organic fields to another farmer and that this farmer intended to grow hay. On those fields that Dave put 10 years of his blood, sweat and yes, even sometimes his tears, into. I was so stunned I was speechless. I was not offered any choice in the matter, the decision had been made. No opportunity to stay and be the renter, nothing. Just pretty much "you need to go", strongly implied the sooner the better.
Near the end of March, 2010, only six days after Dave's passing, his mother announced to me that she was planning on renting Dave's beloved organic fields to another farmer and that this farmer intended to grow hay. On those fields that Dave put 10 years of his blood, sweat and yes, even sometimes his tears, into. I was so stunned I was speechless. I was not offered any choice in the matter, the decision had been made. No opportunity to stay and be the renter, nothing. Just pretty much "you need to go", strongly implied the sooner the better.
Ironically, as she was telling me this, she was saying that she wasn't pushing me to leave but that I needed to get all of my equipment, tomato cages, plant stakes, etc, out of the field by the end of May because, on June 1st, the new farmer would want to start working in the field. In the next breath she was telling me that she needed to work on the house, the one where Dave and I had lived for the last 10 years, so she could rent that out, also. That didn't leave me much time since it was already almost April. It seems that house needed to be vacated for the repairs and so that the new tenant could move in by August. Since there was a good bit that needed repair and since that couldn't be done while I was still in the house...well, you see where I am going with this. It was quite obvious that she had been giving this a lot of thought for quite a while. Without giving me an actual date to be out, that was effectively exactly what she did. In other words, I had between 45 and 60 days to pack up and move the last 10 years of my life....my home, my farm....everything. So much for not pushing me out.
I don't even remember what I said to her that day because I was too stunned to even reply to most of what she said to me. I am still not exactly sure what happened. The next few days after this devastating news are a blur and I can't quite get them to come into focus. That might be a good thing. Imagine, if you will, the effect all of that would have on a grieving widow, who had not even had time to wrap herself around the fact that her husband was gone forever... much less how to orchestrate such a move so quickly. I was so completely devastated by this announcement that I didn't get out of bed for 2 days.
I don't even remember what I said to her that day because I was too stunned to even reply to most of what she said to me. I am still not exactly sure what happened. The next few days after this devastating news are a blur and I can't quite get them to come into focus. That might be a good thing. Imagine, if you will, the effect all of that would have on a grieving widow, who had not even had time to wrap herself around the fact that her husband was gone forever... much less how to orchestrate such a move so quickly. I was so completely devastated by this announcement that I didn't get out of bed for 2 days.
Since we made our living as farmers and I lost access to the farm the week after he was gone, I was essentially left with no income and no way to produce any income. I haven't been in the regular workforce for 15 years, not since Dave and I have been together. I am 58 years old and all of my marketable skills revolve around organic farming, etc. and, while local, organic food is in high demand, if you are not the one producing and selling it, there is little or no chance to put those skills to any profitable use. Plus the small town where I ended up moving to has one of the most depressed economies in the state where I live, so finding work was almost out of the question. I guess she never gave that a second thought, either.
And so just a week after my husband's death, I was packing up our life and stuffing it into boxes as fast as I could. I would run around and pack whatever I could manage during the day and then fall into bed at night. I spent those nights laying in our bed, wracked with sobs, unable to sleep, feeling like I was falling into a bottomless, black abyss. It was as close to Hell as I ever hope to come.
One thing that has puzzled me about all of this is that Dave was staying at her house during this time and she had been included in many of our conversations about the Farm. We all knew Dave would not be able to do any work this year and talked at length about what would happen with the garden, with CSA, etc. We talked at length about how I would manage things with Dave unable to participate physically (at this point, we were counting on him being healthy enough to at least manage the farm even if he could not work it...he was not that sick until the last 4 weeks before he died).
We talked all the time about what we were going to do, farmwise. Our garden plan for the year was to use the small plot for early spring crops and to plant just a portion of the larger garden space that we knew I could manage with little or no assistance. That was a good plan and it would have worked out fine. I had volunteers waiting in the wings to help me with anything I needed help with at the farm. Dave's mother knew way before Dave's death that this was our plan. And yet she listened and sat in complete silence and said nothing contrary.
At any time, while Dave was alive, she could have voiced her intentions. She could have given me some time to adjust and to make some plans while Dave was still alive to help me. She was completely aware that I had obligations to my CSA members and that what this farm produced was my sole source of income. She heard me tell Dave that I would do whatever I could to keep the farm going. She even sat at Dave's memorial service and listened to the pastor read a eulogy that included the statement from me that stated "I will continue to operate New Moon Farm, no matter what happens in the future. It is Dave's legacy, what he left behind as a testament to his dedication and love of what we did here. I intend to continue our dreams and follow the path..."
And yet she sat through those conversations (and in that church) and never said a word to either Dave or myself about her intentions for the Farm. If at any point prior to Dave's death she had expressed that she needed to do something different with the Farm, she had more than ample opportunity to speak up to both of us. If she could have looked beyond her own selfishness for just a moment, I would not now be in the position I find myself.
As I stated before, the land we farmed has always been Dave's "family farm" and we have never stated otherwise, not to anyone. His mother is the one in control of it and is perfectly within her rights to do whatever she likes with it. There has never been a question in my mind about that and I cannot and will not blame her for that. What I do blame her for is that she didn't have enough compassion in her to allow me to grieve for my husband, her son. She took that away from me without even a second of thought about it or how it would affect me.
And I blame her for being such a coward and for not speaking up when Dave was alive. I know it was because she didn't want to promise him that I could stay or that the Farm would go on. She never "got" what we were doing there at the Farm so there is no surprise there. She claimed at the time she was kicking me out that she needed the money from the rental income which I can understand, but did she just realize she needed it 5 days after Dave died? I find that so very hard to believe.
The emotional aspect of all this is overwhelming. I had to break up 16 years of our life together during a period of time in my life when I am grieving for the man I loved more than life. It took me three weeks to even be able to walk into his closet and then I just stood there and cried. Imagine having to pack up all of his belongings, basically the entire last decade of our live together, under such pressure and in such a short time. This has been gut wrenching for me but I have no choice but to move ahead best I can. I miss him but sometimes, I really need him here to help me figure out what to do.
And I blame her for being such a coward and for not speaking up when Dave was alive. I know it was because she didn't want to promise him that I could stay or that the Farm would go on. She never "got" what we were doing there at the Farm so there is no surprise there. She claimed at the time she was kicking me out that she needed the money from the rental income which I can understand, but did she just realize she needed it 5 days after Dave died? I find that so very hard to believe.
The emotional aspect of all this is overwhelming. I had to break up 16 years of our life together during a period of time in my life when I am grieving for the man I loved more than life. It took me three weeks to even be able to walk into his closet and then I just stood there and cried. Imagine having to pack up all of his belongings, basically the entire last decade of our live together, under such pressure and in such a short time. This has been gut wrenching for me but I have no choice but to move ahead best I can. I miss him but sometimes, I really need him here to help me figure out what to do.
When all this started, I was already into the 2010 gardening season with. I had one garden already planted and another waiting on the weather to break so that I could get out and prep and plant it for my early summer crops. Because it was so wet this spring (2010) it was about 2 weeks later than usual but not that big of a problem. I also had a lot of plants in the greenhouse that needed to get into the ground but their harvest season was summer. In other words, I was already invested and in the middle of my growing season. How could she not see that? I don't understand and I guess I never will.
My most generous parents offered me space to start all over but having a new garden that I needed to be prepared and tended while trying to pack up my life while in the throes of grief over losing my husband proved to be extremely hard to work around. I am grateful that the offered me the use of this land (it may be mine someday, so that was logical) but it is simply a flat field at the moment. Nothing has been done to prep the soil, etc.
While trying to figure out what to do, I came up with the idea of setting up the raised beds first. I want to raise herbs in beds, so it seems seemed logical to start with those. Dave and I grew a whole lot of stuff in a tiny garden space before and I know how to achieve that using intensive and square foot methods of growing. Not a problem...in theory. We'll have to see about the reality. So far, I have made very little progress forward because I have had so many obstacles to overcome but I fervently hope that 2011 will be different. It has been 6 months since Dave died and some days I can see a bright, shining light on the horizon and standing in that light there is always the image of my beloved Dave, smiling and waving me on, just like always.
Being forced to move in with my parents has been difficult at times but I don't know what I would have done without them. None of us had time to prepare for my sudden appearance and it has been hard on all of us. It has now been a little over 4 months since I moved in and it is still a bit of a struggle to get my mind around all of this. I haven't lived at home since I was 18. To say that we have different ideas on many things would be the understatement of the century. They are so great, though, and so willing to accomodate me. It must be almost as hard for them as it is for me but ah, the things we do for love...
While trying to figure out what to do, I came up with the idea of setting up the raised beds first. I want to raise herbs in beds, so it seems seemed logical to start with those. Dave and I grew a whole lot of stuff in a tiny garden space before and I know how to achieve that using intensive and square foot methods of growing. Not a problem...in theory. We'll have to see about the reality. So far, I have made very little progress forward because I have had so many obstacles to overcome but I fervently hope that 2011 will be different. It has been 6 months since Dave died and some days I can see a bright, shining light on the horizon and standing in that light there is always the image of my beloved Dave, smiling and waving me on, just like always.
Being forced to move in with my parents has been difficult at times but I don't know what I would have done without them. None of us had time to prepare for my sudden appearance and it has been hard on all of us. It has now been a little over 4 months since I moved in and it is still a bit of a struggle to get my mind around all of this. I haven't lived at home since I was 18. To say that we have different ideas on many things would be the understatement of the century. They are so great, though, and so willing to accomodate me. It must be almost as hard for them as it is for me but ah, the things we do for love...
Another obstacle has been the expense of the move which has been more of a burden that I could have forseen. I moved an entire household and farm so storage of my belongings has been an issue. I rented a POD to move in and it filled up, so I had to rent another storage unit. I have things stored in somebody's garage, in another person's attic, in my mom's spare bedroom....I just hope I can remember where everything is if I ever find a place of my own to live in. Right now I am worried about finding my winter clothes as it is getting chilly finally.
So, with all of that said I am ending this post. There is much, much more that I could say but enough of the maudlin tale. This is my burden to bear, I guess. But I sure could use some help and the person that was my rock, my shoulder, my strength is not here to provide that help now. Just me...
