Note: I maintained a special blog during Dave's illness just for our family and friends, to keep up with his progress. I was also posting on the farm website, so if some of these posts don't make sense or seem out of snyc, it is for that reason.
February 26, 2010
It has been a while since I posted anything to this blog. Mostly because things change so rapidly that is almost seems pointless to even keep up with what is happening to Dave but I will try to catch this all up without getting into too much detail.
First of all, the last post was back in early December when new tumors had just been discovered along his cervical spine and in a couple of ribs. Radiation was the call for those and seem to have stopped their growth for a while. Last scans just a couple of weeks ago showed no huge growth in any of the tumors, anywhere. There has been growth, but very small increases. Since he hasn't been on any cancer drugs since before my December 9th post, that seems to be veiled good news.
The lymphatic tumor on his face started to increase in size and just got totally out of hand and we just finished radiation for that last week. It actually started to shrink, but another node has showed up in about the same place, so that may be a problem waiting to happen.
Biggest hurdle we are now facing is the pain from all of these bone mets that he has. Bone pain is excrutiating and extremely hard to treat and so easing his pain has become an all consuming effort. On top of the cancer, he contracted shingles about a month ago and the pain from that on top of the bone pain is just about more than a human being ought to have to endure. Nothing seems to relieve it unless he is rendered just about unconscious. Since he hates that and since we have to be really careful of falls, lest he break one of these damaged bones, we try to keep the narcotic pain meds to the threshold that allows him confort without taking away his mental clarity. Unfortunately, that is nearly impossible to do, so he ebbs and flows through a maze of alertness and total incomprehension. That is wearing both of us down.
We go back to the oncologist on March 9th to see if he has reached a stable enough level of health to proceed with any cancer treatment. Unless he is deemed strong enough, they will not put him on anything to treat the cancer. Sometimes the cure is as bad as the disease and this is one of those cases. He has to be spot on, healthwise (or as healthy as a person can be in his situation) or it is not good medicine to add the problems with these powerful drugs can bring. Because he only has one kidney that is an issue since most every drug on the pharmacy shelf can cause kidney damage and that is just the over-the-counter stuff.
I am having a really hard time with all of this now because I feel like I have to be so strong for everybody. Not for Dave, because he is such a part of me that being there for him is like being there for myself. I can't stand trying to maintain my composure for the benefit of people who should be helping us.
With Dave, the hard part is when he is in such pain and he takes it out on me and then feels so bad later that he apologizes over and over for being mean to me. I tell him it is okay, and it is, really and truly, but it doesn't stop those outbursts from being extremely hurtful, even though I know he doesn't mean it. And it isn't hurtful in that moment, it is because I see our future in those moments.
I love this man with all my heart and soul and would do anything if I could relieve this pain he is in. If I could take it on myself I'd do it in a minute, without hesitation. My life with him has been better than I could ever have hoped for and I owe him so much for bringing me to the place I am today. The strength that I am finding that I have through all this is because of my love for him and nothing else.
February 26, 2010
It has been a while since I posted anything to this blog. Mostly because things change so rapidly that is almost seems pointless to even keep up with what is happening to Dave but I will try to catch this all up without getting into too much detail.
First of all, the last post was back in early December when new tumors had just been discovered along his cervical spine and in a couple of ribs. Radiation was the call for those and seem to have stopped their growth for a while. Last scans just a couple of weeks ago showed no huge growth in any of the tumors, anywhere. There has been growth, but very small increases. Since he hasn't been on any cancer drugs since before my December 9th post, that seems to be veiled good news.
The lymphatic tumor on his face started to increase in size and just got totally out of hand and we just finished radiation for that last week. It actually started to shrink, but another node has showed up in about the same place, so that may be a problem waiting to happen.
Biggest hurdle we are now facing is the pain from all of these bone mets that he has. Bone pain is excrutiating and extremely hard to treat and so easing his pain has become an all consuming effort. On top of the cancer, he contracted shingles about a month ago and the pain from that on top of the bone pain is just about more than a human being ought to have to endure. Nothing seems to relieve it unless he is rendered just about unconscious. Since he hates that and since we have to be really careful of falls, lest he break one of these damaged bones, we try to keep the narcotic pain meds to the threshold that allows him confort without taking away his mental clarity. Unfortunately, that is nearly impossible to do, so he ebbs and flows through a maze of alertness and total incomprehension. That is wearing both of us down.
We go back to the oncologist on March 9th to see if he has reached a stable enough level of health to proceed with any cancer treatment. Unless he is deemed strong enough, they will not put him on anything to treat the cancer. Sometimes the cure is as bad as the disease and this is one of those cases. He has to be spot on, healthwise (or as healthy as a person can be in his situation) or it is not good medicine to add the problems with these powerful drugs can bring. Because he only has one kidney that is an issue since most every drug on the pharmacy shelf can cause kidney damage and that is just the over-the-counter stuff.
I am having a really hard time with all of this now because I feel like I have to be so strong for everybody. Not for Dave, because he is such a part of me that being there for him is like being there for myself. I can't stand trying to maintain my composure for the benefit of people who should be helping us.
With Dave, the hard part is when he is in such pain and he takes it out on me and then feels so bad later that he apologizes over and over for being mean to me. I tell him it is okay, and it is, really and truly, but it doesn't stop those outbursts from being extremely hurtful, even though I know he doesn't mean it. And it isn't hurtful in that moment, it is because I see our future in those moments.
I love this man with all my heart and soul and would do anything if I could relieve this pain he is in. If I could take it on myself I'd do it in a minute, without hesitation. My life with him has been better than I could ever have hoped for and I owe him so much for bringing me to the place I am today. The strength that I am finding that I have through all this is because of my love for him and nothing else.
