May 6, 2009
Dave had surgery on Monday to remove a lymph node that was, of course, cancerous. We secretly hoped that wasn't the case. The surgeon was not able to remove the whole thing, so now they will be talking about radiation on what remains. I am afraid that won't be happening. Dave has said no more radiation. It is not worth it based on the fact that it does little good for renal cell carcinoma (I am talking about the usual stuff, not the Cyberknife procedure...totally different) and the side effects are much worse than worrying about the tumor.
We are already worn out from doctors, surgeries, hospitals, MRI's, CT scans, the flood of information, the conflicting reports from one doctor to the next and the general frustration of wondering why we are doing all this when the chances for survival are so low. We are both trying to stay as positive and hopeful as possible but believe me, this is no picnic. It is kind of like being stuck in a dream you can't wake up from, knowing something terrible is lurking in the dark but you have to keep walking toward it, no matter what. And we haven't even started the actual treatment for the cancer yet.
I know that some of you who read this blog must wonder why I refer to all of this using "we" and "us" instead of "he". That is because this disease has taken over my life, too, and every thing that happens to Dave happens to me in some way or another. There is no one single person affected here. It is here with me every moment of every day, just like it is with him and it is taking a toll on both of us. Good thing we have each other. With love, you can survive and I hope that we survive this.
As I said, we try so very hard to be positive about all this, but some days all we can do is cry and cling to each other.
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”
