Tonight 2010 is ending ...

Tonight 2010 is ending and I have mixed feelings about that.

Because this was the worst year of my life so far I don't really know what to say about it.  I have tried very hard to be upbeat and to get on as best I can after suffering the devastating loss of the man who meant everything to me.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, my grandkids, my parents, my brother, my family more that might be rational to some people. But Dave was part of me in a way that nobody else could ever be. He was my best friend, husband, lover, confidant, hero and quite simply the best person I have ever known.  


Dave was movie star handsome, smart as a whip, strong and kind. He was always looking for the truth in things and that made him unfailingly honest.  I felt safe with him around because he feared nothing, not even death, and I knew he could and would take care of me if it came down to that. He colored my world in vibrant shades of every hue and showed me the beauty of life.  I never doubted his love for a second and how many of us can say that? When he died, my heart crumbled into dust and now every day is a struggle just to survive with this relentless pain that is my constant companion now that he is gone.

But I try very hard to remember only the good things about our life together and what a grand life it was! I have so many memories of all the things we saw and did together over the years.  All those things that will never be done or seen in the same way ever again. Our moments in time. My memories.  

I could not have made it through these last 6 months without the support of old friends and my family.  And from my new friends, the ones I met through our shared tragedies. I have met people whose losses were as devastating to them as mine was to me. We are like soldiers on the battlefield, trying to take care of and keep each other safe from more harm.  We have all walked through the valley of the shadow of death and we came out the other side...alone but alive. Even though to many of us it feels like life is not worth living without our loved ones, we all remember that life is a gift. Better than most people, we know not to squander it, not to waste a precious moment on petty things that don't matter in the end...because we have all witnessed the end and we know...we know. 

So to my friends here, I wish you only happiness and prosperity in 2011.  May healing, happiness and joy find you in the future.  You have my thanks for holding me up when I thought I could not go another step.  My love to you all. Blessed New Year to you all. 

Do not pursue the past

 Do not lose yourself in the future

The past no longer is

The future has not yet come

Looking deeply at life as it is in the very here and now...

We must be diligent today

To wait until tomorrow is too late

~ Blessings of the Buddha

I have not been able to post anything since Dave's birthday. It is just too hard right now and I just don't have words for how I am feeling. This whole dead husband thing really sucks. I want my Dave back and I want him now. I expected forever and since it is gone, I am lost. L....O....S....T.

Maybe this is my forever. Shit.

Today is Dave's birthday

Fifty one years ago today, a most incredible being came into this world and 

on March 24th, 2010, he left this life for the next. 

He lived his life without compromise. He searched for the truth in everything and when he believed in something, it was with total commitment. He was passionate about the things he cared for, whether it was Mother Earth or those he loved. He put his words into action to try to make the world a better place. He believed that death was just part of the circle of life and something that we all fear too much. He accepted that it was just another step on his spiritual path and he made me brave with his strong belief in something greater than we are.

I was given a great gift when he came into my life and I am more grateful for it than I can express. And while I miss him every moment of every day, I am so thankful to have shared a portion of his life. He changed me forever and I am all the better for it. 

And so, Dave, I celebrate your birth today and give thanks to the Universe for sending you to me. Namaste to my peaceful warrior. Love and Light, together forever.

"Sometimes a song says it all..."

Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But your love was the key to peace of mind

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel,
You make me feel like a natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it

Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
And if I make you happy I don't need to do more

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel,
You make me feel like a natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me
You make me feel so good inside
And I just want to be close to you
You make me feel so alive

Cause you make me feel, you make me feel, 
You make me feel like a natural woman

I wish...

I wish that I was ten again,

when I only knew love and happiness existed in the world,

when I didn't know about grief or sorrow or loss.

I wish that I was twenty again,

when the world was a wide open canvas ready to reveal my story,

when I had yet to take more than a few brush strokes against it,

when I could paint my future any color I chose.

I wish that I was thirty again,

when my children were still small enough to think that I was the Queen of their world,

holding the keys to their kingdom in the palm of my hand,

when I still knew where they slept at night,

when I could keep watch over them.

I wish that I was forty again,

when I started on a journey to rediscovering myself,

finding that the road was filled with twists and turns I never expected,

where something dazzling and wonderful was waiting for me

around one of those bends in the road and

how it changed my life forever.

I wish that I was fifty again,

when cancer was just a disease you gave money to help find a cure for,

when it hadn't taken over our life,

when it hadn't made us feel small and helpless,

when I only knew love and happiness existed in my world,

where pain and hopelessness were only words,

when I didn't so well know grief or sorrow or loss.

Simple gifts say so much

Dave and I were never much for gift giving. After having lived separate lives for so many years, each of us being married to others before we ever met,  we were both just so happy to have finally found each other that each day we were together seemed like a gift. 


But sometimes you just need to give something that says more than your words can express  and so you want to give it as a token, something to be remembered, to signify an event, a moment or a simply a feeling.  Dave often brought me things that to someone else might seem like the most trivial items imaginable.  A smooth, white stone from the field, a worn down but still beautiful seashell from a beach trip I didn't get to go on, the first single wildflower early in spring, and once that piece of tree bark in the shape of something barely recognizable. Those are the things that touched my heart because I knew that at each of those moments, when he had first seen those things, he thought of me. That meant more than any fancy jewelry or expensive present ever could have.


Likewise, my gifts to him were usually simple and filled with special meaning. He kept them in what he called his "mojo bag", which was a small, buttersoft deerskin pouch that had been one of those simple gifts I had given him.  He put it in the right corner of the top drawer of his bureau, easily accessible, but tucked away where it couldn't be lost.  In other words, where it would be safe.  


After he died, it took me a while to be able to look inside of that bag, although I held it in my hand often and felt the objects inside, remembering when I had given him each one. The perfect tiny arrowhead I had spied sticking out of a dirt clod after he had plowed up a new garden plot.   A tiny egg of malachite, the guardian stone of travelers.  A dented, pitted marble I had found in an old cupboard  in his grandparent's (long deceased) house, one that he swore was his when he was a kid. The bag is filled with things like those. 


And, of course, there is The Agate. 


We lived on the Oregon coast for a while and we spent a lot of time on the beach and along the river banks.  One of the favorite local activities was looking for agates, beautiful smooth, translucent stones that come in all colors. I was probably the most frustrated agate hunter on the coast because after doggedly looking for nearly two years, I had continued to come up empty handed. Even our friends' six year old ran rings around me when it came to finding these elusive beauties, so I finally gave up trying to find even one. 


One chilly fall morning, Dave and I were walking along a stretch of beach, near the mouth of the river we lived beside. We were on the beach, walking toward the jetty, where the river rushed into the ocean.  We loved walking there because the clash of the water from the river and the ocean waves made a spectacular display and we could watch it while we walked that stretch of beach. 


 That morning, I had sand in my shoes and had taken them off to walk. The sand was warm and it felt good to have my toes in the sand. I remember standing there on that misty beach, nestled up close to Dave and him with his arms encircling me, hugging me close, just holding on to each other.   I remember how he smelled, his warmth, how he felt, how I felt.  I remember that his sweater scratched my cheek but I didn't want to break the spell of that moment, so I didn't move. I could hear his strong, steady heartbeat and I remember thinking that I wished that perfect moment could last forever.  I don't think I was ever happier than the days we spent on that beach. 


While we stood there, I dug my toes into the sand and hit something hard. I reached down and dug through the sand and pulled out the most perfect, nearly round agate I had ever seen. It was bigger than many of the agates I had seen other people find and I took it in my hand and washed the sand off in a little rivulet of water.  When I opened my hand and we looked closer, there in the exact center of the agate was a hole, all the way through the stone. Inside that tiny chasm was another miniscule round agate, cached inside the bigger stone, worn into shape over how many years, within the larger stone.   Dave and I looked at it in amazement. 


When we got back home that morning, I immediately made the agate into a necklace for Dave. That stone carried so much meaning because I had found it in that perfect moment. For us it symbolized patience and protection, the heart within and the endurance of love.  Dave said it was the best gift he had ever been given and he wore it for many years. Eventually, it made its way into the mojo bag, with his other treasures. 


I wore The Agate to Dave's memorial service on a simple strand of twine, close to my heart, just like he wore it for so long.  

If you look very closely, you can see that Dave is wearing "The Agate" around his neck.
You can click on the pic to see it full size, if you like.