This was posted on my Facebook page today...
I have been conspicuously absent (mostly) from Facebook for a while. I haven't posted any long rants or philosophical meanderings in quite a while and it has been like a vacation. I did this on purpose because quite frankly, all the negativity on FB was starting to drag me back into a place I didn't want to go. I struggle enough with the sadness of life without my soul twin, although I do try very hard to find something to counter that on a daily basis. The main reason I am now in Portland, Oregon, 3000 miles from most of my family and a lot of my friends, in a city were I knew fewer people than the fingers on one hand when I got here 4 months ago, is because I am searching for a LAD...Life After Dave.
It is not easy and making this move was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I sucked that fear up (because fear is the mind killer, after all) and moved ahead. I had a lot of support and help from some very near and dear people to take this step and I am making some headway with figuring out my place in this new surrounding. I could not have come to a more healing place...at least for me...because this part of the world is the one place where all the memories I have of our life together are good ones. No horror show memories of my dying husband, no evil inlaws, no memories of the life I lost...and I lost so very, very much when Dave died.
I will always carry this wounded heart with me, it is part of who I have become. But it is not a physical wound...it is a psychic, spiritual one, it goes very deep and I don't think that it will ever really "heal". Too much has changed and this knowing that I am no longer the same is with me all the time. It crushed me for a long time and I almost lost myself to it. Now, I am simply learning how to live with the pain of it all...what was a raw throbbing bleeding hole in my soul is now a dull ache that is with me all the time. I can deal with that. And quite honestly, these feelings are a constant reminder of how amazing life is, was and can be, because for every sad, tragic thought I have, there is always a stronger one of love and joy and happiness, so I don't think I even want them to fade completely away.
What this is, this journey, is an opportunity to reset my life...not to start over but to set my feet on a new path, although I really have no idea where it is going to take me right now. Experiences have brought me to the edge of our final destination and I want my passage there to be on my terms for as much as I can control that. I want the last leg of my trip to do justice to the life I have lived so far, to honor the people I love and to use the lessons I have learned to make sure that I arrive at that last door with a smile on my face and only love in my heart.
Namaste, all my beloveds, namaste.
I have been conspicuously absent (mostly) from Facebook for a while. I haven't posted any long rants or philosophical meanderings in quite a while and it has been like a vacation. I did this on purpose because quite frankly, all the negativity on FB was starting to drag me back into a place I didn't want to go. I struggle enough with the sadness of life without my soul twin, although I do try very hard to find something to counter that on a daily basis. The main reason I am now in Portland, Oregon, 3000 miles from most of my family and a lot of my friends, in a city were I knew fewer people than the fingers on one hand when I got here 4 months ago, is because I am searching for a LAD...Life After Dave.
It is not easy and making this move was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I sucked that fear up (because fear is the mind killer, after all) and moved ahead. I had a lot of support and help from some very near and dear people to take this step and I am making some headway with figuring out my place in this new surrounding. I could not have come to a more healing place...at least for me...because this part of the world is the one place where all the memories I have of our life together are good ones. No horror show memories of my dying husband, no evil inlaws, no memories of the life I lost...and I lost so very, very much when Dave died.
I will always carry this wounded heart with me, it is part of who I have become. But it is not a physical wound...it is a psychic, spiritual one, it goes very deep and I don't think that it will ever really "heal". Too much has changed and this knowing that I am no longer the same is with me all the time. It crushed me for a long time and I almost lost myself to it. Now, I am simply learning how to live with the pain of it all...what was a raw throbbing bleeding hole in my soul is now a dull ache that is with me all the time. I can deal with that. And quite honestly, these feelings are a constant reminder of how amazing life is, was and can be, because for every sad, tragic thought I have, there is always a stronger one of love and joy and happiness, so I don't think I even want them to fade completely away.
What this is, this journey, is an opportunity to reset my life...not to start over but to set my feet on a new path, although I really have no idea where it is going to take me right now. Experiences have brought me to the edge of our final destination and I want my passage there to be on my terms for as much as I can control that. I want the last leg of my trip to do justice to the life I have lived so far, to honor the people I love and to use the lessons I have learned to make sure that I arrive at that last door with a smile on my face and only love in my heart.
Namaste, all my beloveds, namaste.
