I was Queen of the World

When I first joined the ranks of the spouses of the dearly departed, I achingly longed for my old normal to return.  I wanted my husband, who was also my best friend, to come back so desperately it made me physically ill.  It was so hard and so strange not to have him by my side.  We were together for a long while and in all that time, all I ever had to do was reach out and he was just there. It is very empowering to feel like someone always has your back and he always had mine. I felt like I was Queen of the World. 

We worked together, played together, loved passionately and fiercely and built an incredible life together. Oh, yeah, by most people's standards we didn't have a pot to piss in, so to speak, but that never mattered because we had so much love. So. Much. Love.  I think if you measured wealth by love and happiness, we would have been the Bill and Melinda Gates of contentment. This was the life I had always dreamed of living and I wanted my charmed life to go on forever.

When Dave was alive, it bothered me sometimes that I couldn't help but feel that anything that good, that perfect, had to have a kink in it somewhere. There was always this shadowy something lurking in the background, something unnamed, unformed, just at the edge of our reality. Unfortunately, my intuition was right. That kink, that shadowy something was cancer. Cancer took Dave away from me and I was left alone. 

"Alone"  is not something for the faint of heart. Anyone who has not experienced widowhood (is there such a word as "widowerhood"?) might have a hard time understanding how you can have family and friends all around you and still feel so desolate but that is the truth of it. You feel like life itself has abandoned you. I have written before that it feels like you are standing in a vacuum, suspended in time and space, while the world and all its colors spins around you so fast that everything is just blur.  You are desperate for the spinning to stop, so you can get off the ride, but for a long time, you are powerless to make that happen. You feel out of control. It is scary and confounding.

And then one day, you notice that the spinning has started to slow down a bit, although you are still dizzy and disoriented. When it does finally, blessedly stop, you find that are left standing in the middle of an emotional wasteland, with no map, no directions and no idea which way leads back to normality. You are lost in the truest sense of the word. You have to figure out which path you need to take to get back and that is never easy. 

For many, finding the true path back to reclaim their life may seem nearly impossible.  Some never find their way back. Some paths lead through nightmare landscapes of depression so black you can't see your hand in front of you. Other paths lead through tangles of addictions, breakdowns and suicide. Family and friends, who don't completely understand this journey you are on, may accompany you at first, just because they care. But then, they start to get tired of your the struggle - they have struggles of their own after all-  and they simply fall by the wayside as you continue on. 

Sometimes you think you are on the right path, that one where the dappled sun is shining through the trees, only to find that it is a dead end and you have to backtrack and start all over again in another direction. Frustration, Resentment, Anger, Disappointment and Despair are all Minions of Grief that heavily travel the widow's path, waiting to distract or even destroy. It is nearly impossible to avoid them, but they can be fought and the fight can be won because we widows have a secret weapon against the effects of these emotions.

We are armed with the knowledge that Grief holds no power over us if we only remember how much we loved and were loved by those who passed before us and that those loved ones stand with us forever. Nothing else matters but that Love. It is the shield that will protect and give you strength to find your way out of the wilderness that is home to Grief.  All the clarity you need will appear and you will find the strength you need to claim your redemption. It is in that place in your heart where Love lives forever. You will find your way back and you will be home again. Just trust in the love.