That day in the ER, when the doctor announced to us that Dave had cancer, was like being in the middle of a terrible dream that you can't wake up from. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you didn't really hear the diagnosis "cancer" it has become your reality and you can't get away from it. It is there gnawing at you every waking moment and sometimes it even follows you into your dreams.
While my mother-in-law and I stood there listening to the doctor explain about what was going to happen with Dave's surgery, I remember that even though I was fully engaged with hearing what was going to happen, I was also having a kind of "out of body" experience. Part of me was experiencing what I can only describe as a "floating" feeling and I can remember looking at Dave's face while the doctor was talking. He was looking very intently into my eyes and saying nothing, just looking at me with that total calm he was always able to find in himself. That might not seem strange to you but Dave was two floors above me, still in the imaging center of the hospital, while this conversation was happening with the urologist.
Dave had been taken up to his room and we gathered up his things and followed. I didn't know if anybody had explained to him what was going on, so when we got up to the room, I asked him what the doctor had told him and he said that all he knew was that he had cancer. I told him exactly what the urologist had said to us downstairs. He asked me if I thought that the diagnosis could be wrong and I told him that the doctor seemed pretty sure that it was correct. Dave closed his eyes and nodded slowly. He didn't open his eyes for a long, long time but when he did, he motioned me over to his side and took my hand. Then he told me that he really didn't want anybody cutting on him but if I wanted him to do it he would. I told him that was too much responsibility for me to make that decision for him and that I was selfish, so of course I wanted him to do whatever was going to keep him alive. I also told him I would abide by whatever decision he made, no matter what it was but that they had already scheduled him for the surgery the next day, so he better tell somebody quick if he wasn't going to go through with it.
We spent that night just sitting in that hospital room, talking and holding hands and I remember him looking at me with such love that I started to cry. I told him I was trying very hard to be brave for him but that I was terrified, of him being sick and having to endure what might come later but mostly terrified that he would die. I told him that I didn't think I could live without him. He didn't say anything for a long time and I could tell that he was gathering his thoughts together to say something profound. He started to speak but then he hesitated for a second before he finally spoke.
"You know that I love you more than anything in this world and I don't want to leave you alone. But if it is my time, it is my time. All we can do is live the best life that we can for a long as we have. Nobody can do any more than that. I love life but it is not my decision as to whether I live or die. It is what is it. We can't change that. And I have no fear of what will come after, you shouldn't either. I know you will find me again someday. We have been together before and we will be together again. You just have to believe that."
He held my hand and didn't say anything else, just looked at me with those incredibly beautiful blue eyes. The most incredible feeling of calm and peace came over me at that moment and after that, I never again felt that fear. It was like he literally took it out of me and replaced it with so much love there was never room for anything else.
Dave had his surgery in January and by March he was back on the tractor, farming, living and loving life. Because he was pronounced cancer free after the nephrectomy, we didn't have the specter of cancer looming over our heads. It was more like a shadow that was always in the background...we knew it was there but it was not the threat that some cancers are. We were very lucky in that regard. And we kept that promise to each other, the one we made that night in the hospital. We loved each other without reserve and we lived every day to the fullest.
When I first met Dave, I was coming out of a traumatic divorce and was just starting to heal from that. I had no desire or any need to have another relationship and finding one was the furtherest thing from my mind.
I think that Fate put Dave in my path and me in his because being together was our destiny. I remember telling God that if I could have just 5 good years with Dave it would be worth a lifetime with anyone else. He gave me 16 of the best years of my life and I am thankful everyday for that.
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”
