I asked Dave once, very early in our relationship, why he loved me. At this stage we were just starting out and so it was not a frivolous question. I was genuinely curious because we were such an unlikely pair. So, why me? I was almost a foot shorter than him, nothing to write home about in the looks department. Oh, I have a wicked sense of humor and am very smart but to look at us as a couple must have been an enigma for most people. Dave was movie star handsome, with the body of an athlete, which of course he was. Dazzling blue eyes, the softest curly hair, strong chin, six pack abs and legs like a gazelle. He moved with the catlike grace of someone who was completely sure of every step he took.
He was respectful and polite, like most well brought up Southern boys. And he was extremely intelligent and you could see that in his eyes....this insatiable curiosity he had about everything (that was something huge we had in common, actually). He was 7 years younger than me, but he looked even younger than he was. He was as wild as a mustang and as gentle as a lamb, the kind of guy they write novels about. Women had no compunction about coming on to him, even in my presence, I was such a non-threatening companion. So sometimes it made me feel a little insecure about why he had chosen me to be with.
He was a little taken aback by me asking him why he loved me and at first he hesitated to answer me, other than to say it only mattered that he did love me and did the reasons really matter. He was actually a little bit offended because he thought I was doubting him. I explained to him that I was doubting me. I had been so hurt and confused when my marriage broke up I just wanted to make sure I understood where we stood on the whole "love you forever" thing, because I had been promised that before and we saw how that turned out. He had suffered the same fate in his previous marriage and immediately understood my need to have this question answered. After a few minutes of deep thought, this is what he said to me.
I will only tell you this once because it the truth and you know I don't lie. Once you know this, you know it forever and you don't ever have to ask me again. Okay? Okay.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and you always will be. Because I see you with my heart. From the moment I had that first conversation with you, I knew you were part of my destiny. Not because of what you are on the outside but because of what you are on the inside. I love you because of your heart...it is the biggest one I have ever seen. When I look at you, that is what I see...I see how much you care, how kind you are and how strong you can be. You shine with such an inner light. It is like you glow...I see it every time I look at you. You are the beacon that lights my path now. That is what makes you so special to me. Don't ever forget that. I love you and that is all that matters to either of us.
I never had to ask him again.
Fifteen years later, when he was so sick and we knew that he was going to have the fight of his life against the cancer, we spent a lot of days just talking about our life together. We were having one of those days when he said this to me.
Remember what I told you all those years ago? About why I loved you. I think sometimes that you think you have been the lucky one in our life but that is not true. I have been the lucky one, to have someone like you in my life. Your strength has always come from yourheart , from how much love you are capable of giving...and not just to me and your family. It is who you are, it your life force. Your love is unconditional and you give it freely with no strings attached. Not many people can say that.
I have never known a stronger woman than you but you have to be strong for both of us now. I am sorry about that but there isn't much I can do about it. It is just how it is. But know this...You are the one, you are the only and I will love you for all eternity.
On March 24th, 2010 the light that guided me was extinguished by kidney cancer. Dave was right about my being strong but he was a bit wrong about assuming that my gift of love didn't come without a price. I am paying for it now with little pieces of my soul and sometimes I feel like that light in me is going out, too. What I wrote earlier is almost verbatim from that original conversation. I wrote down much of the words Dave said to me that day and kept them with me all these years. I kept them in my jewelry case but never really looked at them, until Dave got sick again. They are now etched in my memory and I don't really have trouble remembering the words because I read them so often in the few months before he died, to give me the strength I needed to hold him up through that hell we went through. I think I did a pretty good job, I tried to, anyway.
