Tonight 2010 is ending and I have mixed feelings about that.
Because this was the worst year of my life so far I don't really know what to say about it. I have tried very hard to be upbeat and to get on as best I can after suffering the devastating loss of the man who meant everything to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, my grandkids, my parents, my brother, my family more that might be rational to some people. But Dave was part of me in a way that nobody else could ever be. He was my best friend, husband, lover, confidant, hero and quite simply the best person I have ever known.
Dave was movie star handsome, smart as a whip, strong and kind. He was always looking for the truth in things and that made him unfailingly honest. I felt safe with him around because he feared nothing, not even death, and I knew he could and would take care of me if it came down to that. He colored my world in vibrant shades of every hue and showed me the beauty of life. I never doubted his love for a second and how many of us can say that? When he died, my heart crumbled into dust and now every day is a struggle just to survive with this relentless pain that is my constant companion now that he is gone.
Dave was movie star handsome, smart as a whip, strong and kind. He was always looking for the truth in things and that made him unfailingly honest. I felt safe with him around because he feared nothing, not even death, and I knew he could and would take care of me if it came down to that. He colored my world in vibrant shades of every hue and showed me the beauty of life. I never doubted his love for a second and how many of us can say that? When he died, my heart crumbled into dust and now every day is a struggle just to survive with this relentless pain that is my constant companion now that he is gone.
But I try very hard to remember only the good things about our life together and what a grand life it was! I have so many memories of all the things we saw and did together over the years. All those things that will never be done or seen in the same way ever again. Our moments in time. My memories.
I could not have made it through these last 6 months without the support of old friends and my family. And from my new friends, the ones I met through our shared tragedies. I have met people whose losses were as devastating to them as mine was to me. We are like soldiers on the battlefield, trying to take care of and keep each other safe from more harm. We have all walked through the valley of the shadow of death and we came out the other side...alone but alive. Even though to many of us it feels like life is not worth living without our loved ones, we all remember that life is a gift. Better than most people, we know not to squander it, not to waste a precious moment on petty things that don't matter in the end...because we have all witnessed the end and we know...we know.
So to my friends here, I wish you only happiness and prosperity in 2011. May healing, happiness and joy find you in the future. You have my thanks for holding me up when I thought I could not go another step. My love to you all. Blessed New Year to you all.
Do not pursue the past
Do not lose yourself in the future
The past no longer is
The future has not yet come
Looking deeply at life as it is in the very here and now...
We must be diligent today
To wait until tomorrow is too late
~ Blessings of the Buddha
